"I can't take it anymore! If I gotta choke down on one more of those moldy, disgusting crackers... Bam! Whack!"

I was sent this by my good friend Elliot and I couldn't stop laughing at the pure stupidity

shabbat shalom

J.


a letter in this week's Yated Ne'eman (yes, it's for real)


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BEARS AND ELEPHANTS

Dear Editor, Poschim b'chvod achsanyah. My family loves reading this wonderful newspaper, as it is the only newspaper that truly belongs in a Torah home. I would like to share with you an experience that I recently had, one that I found very disturbing. I opened up a box of heimishe-brand animal crackers and was terribly dismayed to see that a whole array of non-kosher animals are featured! What are we teaching our children, to eat treife animals?! Are we chas v'shalom teaching our children to eat bears and elephants? Wishing to hear a response. I remain, F. O. G.



Below are three letters that the Yated published in response to last week's
letter about the animal crackers: =================================================

HEIMISHE ANIMAL CRACKERS

Dear Editor, I read last week with consternation, A letter written with righteous indignation. The writer was appalled, As he recalled, A cracker unbecoming to his nation! He picked up a snack, And in the pack, Were animals that are taboo. An elephant, a tiger and a monkey too. And so a letter he sent to you! How dare this company so heimish, Perpetrate an act "beheimish." To ensnare his child to actually chew, Something prohibited to every Jew. And then it hit me with a thud! Takeh a shandeh! Takeh ah shud! Though I only eat, The kosher species of that treat, And save the treife ones for a goy… I still am in trouble, oy vavoy! You see I bit the leg last week, Of a cow-shaped cracker in my feast. And now, I'm stuck, I cannot lie. I ate an eiver, min hachai! And now before I eat, I check, To carefully slice off the neck,
And way before I'll eat, I halt, And make sure to sprinkle salt, Lest it would look, At least to some… I did not rid the cow of "dum". And when there are two crackers, That were put in the box by packers, Perhaps an ox along with its calf. We have a problem, Please don't laugh. Because the Torah tells us NO! Do not shecht 'Osoh v'es b'noh'! So thank you reader, Oh so ehrlich, Who saved me from something so geferlich. And listen up all animal snackers, You can even learn halacha from simple crackers! A Grateful Yated Fan

ELBOW MACARONI AND ZEBRA COOKIES

Dear Editor, I would like to address the author of the letter titled "Bears and Elephants", who wrote last week how "very distressing" it was to recently open a box of heimishe-brand animal cookies and that he was "deeply dismayed" to find non-kosher shaped animals. To think that someone notices something as silly as this and then actually allows this to bother him is shocking and
troubling. Based on these concerns, should we eliminate 'horse'radish on the Shabbos table, 'ham'burgers at barbecues, and gummy bears from our children's pekalach? Should we prohibit our children from calling their tante an "aunt" and should we remove beer from our shalom zachor menus? Should we cross off ladyfingers from our Pesach orders? Are we now concerned that eating elbow macaroni together with cheese promotes aiver min hachai and bosor b'cholov? Should we say no to zebra cookies? The "concern" that allowing bear or elephant shaped cookies into your home "teaches our children to eat treife animals" is about as likely as a black and white cookie showing support for affirmative action or being concerned that eating a Napoleon pastry promotes cannibalism. Yossi G. Highland Park, N.J.


WORRYING ABOUT WHAT COMES OUT

Dear Editor, In response to F.O.G.'s "Bears and Elephants" letter: I think we should start worrying about what comes out of our
mouths as much as we worry about what goes in. I remain, N.H.B.



Quote is from Aladdin (1992)

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"They who would give up an essential liberty for temporary security,
deserve neither liberty or security"

– Benjamin Franklin